To set the tone for this review, let’s quote from Chuggaboom’s Spotify bio. “Become a Chuggallo or get left behind”. After a few listens of this, you’d rather get left behind, in the cave from The Descent.
Chuggaboom are a comedy (apparently) metalcore band from the UK who’s main mission seems to be to make The Hell sound like Led Zeppelin. The masked five piece are known as Levi Taurus, John Virgo (not the snooker legend, though he could have done a better job) Leo Carter, Avira Caprica and Castor Holland. They claim their influences range from Upon A Burning Body to Devin Townsend. This is the same as claiming your cooking influences are Gordon Ramsay and Nigella Lawson, but all you make is beans on toast with off brand bread and eat it with plastic cutlery.
This record, their second true full length album (after a smattering of standalone singles, EPs and some sort of Christmas album) is called Death Pledge. 12 tracks, about four riffs and about two laughs in total.
“12 tracks, about four riffs and about two laughs in total. ”
Opening with ‘Simpler Times’, vocalist Levi Taurus rants about boredom, screams about a paywall and ends the song by saying that he might as well “Jerk it” instead. Setting the tone for the rest of the album right there.
Cropping up on ‘Should Have Been’ is Kellin Quinn (Sleeping With Sirens) who actually does a good job with his slot. The song is about the band feeling they’re better than the headline act…it’s nice to have dreams, isn’t it? We then have two utterly forgettable songs, one about struggling to be a vegan when walking past a KFC, the other about bad drivers. Alex Turner, these ain’t.
The only real highlight (In the same way not getting stabbed is the highlight of a mugging) on the album, ‘The Price Of Success’ is about the modern plight of bands shipping untold amounts of merch from their front room and garage. It’s actually funny too, with “Even Alexa makes more than me, I’m printing packing checking in my fucking sleep” being a highlight and a little spoken word POV dealing with an irate Post Office clerk before closing, bringing the first real smile so far.
“Alex Turner these ain't.”
After that molehill of a high, we arrive at a depth so low we’re touching the Earth’s core. The true rock bottom of the album is ‘I Don’t Wanna” , a song about hating being an adult with a single relatable line “Becoming ever more reliant on caffeine” but it sounds like a Disney channel ballad sang by a young offenders institute. It ends with a genuine contender for THE WORST key change of all time. Seriously, listen to the first 30 seconds then the last 30 seconds. Hate us later.
The Penultimate dirge ‘Our Time’ talks about how “Chuggalos will all be on their knees when they look at me”. The only way you would want to be in that position is if you had your eyes closed and expected a bullet in your head.
Finally, this flaming dumpster fire ends on a ballad. Cementing the clean vocals as the second worst part of this record behind the lyrics, it’s a soulless midden of awful, forgettable riffs, unsatisfying breakdowns and cringeworthy lyrical content. Sums up the entire record really.
FFO : The worst Emmure and Attilla records, T-shirts with swear words on them.